fillosophy

The most unfortunate, and seemingly lowest act one person can do to another, is dishonor their faith and trust they’ve earned, all for an impulse that can either be controlled or worked out in ways other than acting on them in a way that causes self doubt, the feeling of betrayal, and ultimate heart-break.

Cheating, and being cheated on has got to be one of the most avoidable, yet most practiced, events in today’s couples. I’m going to talk about the easiest first, the practice and how to determine if you’re being cheated on; secondly, for cheaters, how to avoid cheating, and being a better person. Honestly, I don’t think that anything I can say to a cheater would ever get them to stop, and neither would a cheater read a post about something that hits so close to home, especially if its something they do and try not to pay attention to… Oh well, though.

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How to Cheat & Detect a Cheater

First thing’s first, how to cheat. If there is one thing about knowledge that’s clear, the more you have it, the more you can use it in your favor. I’m not giving the guidelines on how to cheat so you can practice these simple steps; I’m basically arming those who are being cheated on with the ammunition they need to understand their situation, and of course then go onto detection.

Cheating isn’t some form of martial art that takes years to practice top master; all it takes is the unfortunate truth, some lies, and actions. The unfortunate truth is simply one of two things

1. Not being fulfilled in one of the core aspects of what they want in a relationship
2. Grew up in a broken home or were abused as a child in one way or another

Neither of these are good. The second is severe psychological baggage, that’s for some reason, so severe, that they act on it in their own personal lives, and self destruct what they have going for them by either dating the wrong types of people, or getting the right kind of person and messing it up with impulses they seemingly can’t control. There’s help for them; but that requires counseling, usually in the form of a couch and a clipboard.

The first is a trick about honesty, but not to the person being cheated on; rather, the person who is cheating and how honest they are with themselves, and in their decisions. First off, there’s normally nothing wrong, fundamentally, with the person being cheated on, and the reason they’re being cheated on doesn’t have much to do with them directly as a person, but more of an incompatibility that they have toward the person that they are with. Problem being, the person cheating is aware of this incompatibility and will actually just lie to themselves and try to look past it, until they fill whatever void it is they feel they’re missing in their relationship.

Cheating, in regard to incompatibility, starts the second the relationship begins. There’s a fundamental moment at the start of the relationship when one person sees a quality in that significant other, that they don’t actually appreciate. Normally it’s something personality-based, unless there’s some shallow physical attraction issue, in which case… that person shouldn’t be in a relationship at all, they should be out at bars dry humping drunks.

Regardless of the foundation, cheating requires a means of secretive communication; be it cell phones, online messengers, social sites, or work relationships; most commonly anything that is accessible consistently, easily, and privately. One of the main tricks of a cheater is to appear to be constantly busy or on the run, but extend that to private as well. Relationships take open honesty between two people, and when that’s not being practiced, perhaps something is happening that shouldn’t be. Talking to someone on a personal/intimate level is actually a form of cheating, regardless. All cheating starts somewhere, and it will usually start with a conversation that shouldn’t ever happen; the infidelity is in the action of going down a path that disrespects and dishonors your relationship, regardless of sexual outcome; and if you deny you’re in a relationship, that’s even worse.

Another factor is the event of whatever action it is that’s taking place that dishonors the relationship. Unfortunately this can happen at work, on lunch breaks, while one or the other is out of town on business, or (if dealing with a complete liar) when they’re supposedly out with friends, family, etc. There’s nothing anyone can do to actual stop the action from taking place, unless being codependent doesn’t bother you, which it should. There’s really nothing to do if the person cheating is to the point of executing the action anyway; that situation is already lost.

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Detecting a cheater is simple; all it takes is some attentiveness. Strangely enough, if you’re attentive to what’s going on, chances are you don’t have to worry about being cheated on. Here’s something to consider; paying attention to your significant other could help in seeing what they see as “lacking” in the fulfillment department. In no way does that excuse cheating if you’re not paying attention to their needs, but it also doesn’t excuse someone for not paying attention to the person they’re with.

The fatal mistake a cheater makes, more often than not, is to simply do one or all of the following:

• Accusations of dishonesty without rhyme or reason
  • - They come home and start accusing you of cheating
  • - They consistently don’t believe you about even the most trivial things
  • - In conversation; you find yourself on constant defense for no reason
• Sudden bursts of confidence
  • - or even submission
• New, unannounced ‘things’ in the bedroom
  • - Positions
  • - Methods
  • - Hand placement
  • - Aggression
  • - Emotional Absence
• Sporadic and noticeable emotional distance changes
  • - Guilt can drive someone to all of a sudden appear a lot more affectionate
  • - Being cold and short, at the most trivial times, or all the time

Granted, these are just generalizations, but honestly; if you’re concerned, and you haven’t cheated yourself, then chances are you have just cause. If you feel as though you have just cause, and start actively looking for these things, you can also just be looking to make you right, as opposed to actually being right. Overall, the best thing to do is talk to one another, not about cheating, but in general. Find out about your relationship, even on the ugly levels… Its a relationship, there’s no need to pretend its perfect from all angles, that’s just stupid optimism and wishful thinking. Get real.

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What to do?

If you’re being cheated on and you know it, what do you do? Step one, end the relationship. Step two, never look back. Forgive and forget is for things like, forgetting to introduce you to their friends right away when you go out to someplace, or fibbing about menial stuff that has no bearing on their character (at the beginning of the relationship)… Yes… I just said its o.k. to lie; this is written for HUMANS to read. Cheating is a fundamental character flaw with that person, and/or a fundamental flaw in your relationship and compatibility. Allowing yourself to be cheated on… one more time… Allowing yourself to be cheated on; is just as bad as being cheated on. Not only is the person you’re with fucking around with you, you’re fucking around with you, and just making your situation worse.

People often use the “Love” excuse. This is bullshit, and I’m fucking sick of hearing about it. Love is a two-way street, end of story. If you love someone, they love you as well; and true/real love doesn’t include cheating. If you don’t value your heart, and don’t value yourself as a person, you’ll have no problem being involved with someone in a non-true relationship. People lie to themselves every day and cope with the hardships they are dealt because for some reason they think life isn’t messed up enough without the self-destructive side effects of staying in an emotionally abusive relationship.

If you tolerate a cheater, you need to ask yourself “why”; and then ask, what it is that makes you devalue who you are enough to allow yourself to be treated like someone who can be disrespected and dishonored. Is it just the way things are? Perhaps I’m single for a reason; I refuse to settle for someone I don’t want to be with. That’s the simple fact of it all. I’ve been in situations where I wasn’t fully happy, and guess what? I ended it; as opposed to just going out and finding something to fill the void. Being honest with yourself will keep you from cheating, just as easily as it will keep you from being cheated on, or tolerating a cheater. Inner-honesty boils it all down to, if you’re being cheated on and you tolerate it? You’re neither no better off, nor doing yourself any bit of justice… Care for yourself and your heart; you’re relying on you for support on these things.

enrique
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