fillosophy

So… what is a relationship?

Simply put, in the traditional sense, two people getting along with each other well enough to be with each other exclusively… but anyone who’s ever been in a relationship can tell you, its never that simple; and in fact, “Simply” shouldn’t have even been used to start this paragraph.

There’s all kinds of stuff that can happen to them once they start – they fade away, things get “bad”, people grow apart, someone “better” comes along, people change, sometimes for the worse… that’s life, either you can deal with it or get rid of it, that all depends on the situation you’re faced with, hooray for “particulars”.

I’ve been in a few relationships in my day, some good, some not so good. They start, they’re great – the coined phrase everyone’s using these days is “the honeymoon period”, which is nothing more than you simply not knowing the person yet, and filling in the gaps with what you think you see, and hoping for the best. Depending on how distorted you are when facing reality? You’ll either be very surprised, very disappointed, or somewhere in between when that period is over. Fact of the matter is, when the beginning phases of a relationship are nearing an end and the “real” shit starts to hit the fan? That’s when you’ll pretty much (deep down inside) make up your mind of how much longer that person is going to work out, or if they’re going to be around indefinitely. It’s the shallow truth in everyone, but heart and mind cover most of that up, patching up those flaws you secretly hate… for a while.

So what happens? You sit there, in your thoughts, drowning in your feelings for the person you’re with, noticing the things, behaviors and characteristics that you might not care for too much, and maybe start to take these details in to consideration: Time investment, tolerance, compromise, sacrifice and (my personal favorite) future plans and wants. And you leverage them together to form the “bonds” of the relationship.

I’m speaking generally, so if this doesn’t apply to you, congratulations, Mother Theresa, you’re the new found Messiah and you can live in your perfect relationship, with your perfect life, and kick rocks onto someone else’s philosophy. For those of you normal people, those “things” you find out as you come out of the honeymoon phase, ignore them or not… weirdly enough, they always tend to resurface later, generally after the two year mark – if you’re a long term, tolerant, patient, forgiving and humane person.

This is when the theory of “love lasts two years” comes from. Pessimistic? I’ve been called worse, but that term is fairly negative and even more so – incorrect. This is simply being realistic. It’s not like I’m not stating anything you probably haven’t thought or felt at least once in your life regardless. Deny it to yourself all you want, if you want to write to me and say “no I haven’t”; go lie to someone else.

Does love not exist? I’ll never say that, ever. I’m simply outlining issues of compatibility between two people.

True love does exist, happens all the time, its fantastic. Do some people get lucky and hit it off with someone their first go at it? Absolutely. There are 7 billion people on this planet, the chances of meeting someone you’re compatible with, with that many people to choose from, are pretty damn high, actually. What about the rest of us. Some people think that working things through because of the [time investment, tolerance, compromise, sacrifice and future plans and wants] involved, no matter what the situation is, it is ultimately worth it, because they “love” them. … This distorted view of what love is needs to vanish. Absolutely none of any of those points have anything to do with loving someone. Sure, time might be a factor, but is it part of love? Not at all…

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What Does LOVE Include?

Trust:Complete trust, earned trust, mutual trust. All factors of trust are important, and truly need to exist, and cannot be simply assumed, the need to just be there, not made to be there. If you’re a jealous person? Talk to someone about your confidence levels and ask yourself what your problem is, don’t take it out on your significant other, who is (if you’re truly in love) undeserving of it.

Honesty: This goes hand-in-hand with trust. How the hell are you going to put your trust in someone, if you can’t even trust your own actions enough to share them with your partner regardless of what they are?

Loyalty: First off, if you’re cheating – chances are you’re not with the right person to begin with. Love him/her all you want, you’re not satisfied in some way shape or form outside of simply sex. Being loyal to someone is as simple as not putting yourself in a situation where you can, in general. If you’re not satisfied and start to fill a “void” by looking around for a “side thing”? HA! You’ve already lost.

Passion: Sex is important; sure, humans are sexual animals, with a little thing called emotional reasoning mixed in, which makes exclusive companionship healthy, and also personally satisfying. But passion is so much more than simply “doing the deed” to get your rocks off; its enjoying the other person’s touch, the way they smell, how they look at you, dress for you, and treat you affectionately and caringly… Sound sappy? Bullshit, everyone wants to be held every once and while without being engaged in some kind of fuck session, think other wise? Then blame your mother for not holding you enough when you were an infant.

Humor: You can not be with someone if you can’t make them laugh. You can be the un-funniest anti-social person on earth and still find a way to make someone laugh. Doesn’t mean you have to learn to juggle and find ways to turn your eyelids inside out… it just means, if being you at times isn’t humorous to the person you’re with? You’re not only boring and bland to them, but, you’re also going to be replaced by a television every possible chance and there goes my next point.

Communication: The number one downfall to relationships outside of money (which I’ll go over) is lack of communication and too much misunderstanding, misinterpretation, and created/fabricated crap. Every communications book on this planet will have at least one paragraph if not a whole chapter dedicated to the two most important parts of communication. First and foremost, listening. If you don’t know how to listen? Learn or die alone. Pick up a communications book from a college, search google for answers, I don’t care, figure it out, and practice it… truly. This cutting someone off mid-sentence, refusal of listening to someone’s statements, and all of the drama that follows can be circumvented if you simply sit there and shut the fuck up. Secondly, weirdly enough – expressions. Facial and body language, if you’re upset? Slamming shit about and acting like an enraged gorilla will accomplish one thing – more drama. Want a solution? Talk one out. Too pissed off to talk? Take a damn shower, a walk or sit on the toilet and read the paper for a few minutes or so to calm down first, then give it a shot.

Finances: First, money doesn’t mean a god damn thing, but how it is managed and worked with in a relationship – like a serious one? Is actually extremely important. Don’t think so? Try dating someone who’s addicted to gambling so bad they pawn your car to play another hand of blackjack. The game of money in a relationship is all about financial fairness as well as you can make it with what the two of you make. So… money is needed for love? Hell no; but respect for one another’s needs is. Needs need to be met, on both sides of the fence, in all fairness, to reduce the other downfall of relationships… the number one downfall – stress caused by perceived financial unfairness, not strain, not “we don’t got it”, but fairness.

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All that spells out two things; respect and common-decency toward another person. It has nothing to do with how much time you’re with them, what you plan on doing, what you’re willing to “put up with cause he/she is good to you”, what you’ve given up to be with such person, etc. All those things are just that… things, and mean about as much to a truly meaningful relationship as what was on the Home & Garden channel last Tuesday night.

Chances are, if you’ve made it this far through my banter and have ever been in a relationship or are still in one, you’ve seen all these things, and know they all exist at some point or another when with someone. How do you keep it going once you got it? Once you’ve found who you want to be with? Don’t get caught up in the shallow ends of the situation. If there are with someone who has things you are unwilling to deal with? Communicate and discuss them to that person, or start doing an injustice to your relationship, and watch it deteriorate. Living with hidden opinions and sacrifices as a result of those opinions will not only eat you up on the inside, it will make your bond weak and your relationship fragile. It will also cause unnecessary stress on the one thing that’s most important to everyone, your heart.

enrique
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